There’s no official protocol for deciding someone belongs in the “pleasant acquaintance” category instead of the “I should answer this text immediately” category.
Usually, I take the coward’s route. I slowly… drift. I stop responding quite so quickly. A text sits for a week before I answer. I suddenly become “busy.” I quit initiating lunches or coffee. Most people eventually get the hint.
At this age, friendships naturally shift anyway. Lives change. Energy changes. Tolerance changes. Honestly, sometimes patience changes.
Recently, someone from my WAY past resurfaced. She used to babysit Kate (who just turned 40 ... so you know this goes way back). We worked together once upon a time, and she lives almost an hour away. We were mainly social at work. She's younger and I was (am) a job hopper so we went our own ways.
Then last year came the phone call. You know the kind. “The voice from your past. Suddenly we were catching up on decades of life. Her daughter ... slightly older than Kate ... now has EIGHT children, so there was certainly plenty of material. For her. A few months later she came to Lake Oswego and we had lunch.
But I slowly realized something important:
Some friendships leave you feeling lighter. Others leave you feeling… tired.
And it’s nobody’s fault.
She is one of those people who can only talk while doing six other things simultaneously. Walking and yelling at the dog. Supervising grandchildren at a park. Driving somewhere. Digging through a purse. Half listening while asking someone if they need a snack.
Meanwhile, I’m sitting quietly at my table with my coffee, thinking: “Should I just hang up and call back when civilization returns?”
It wasn’t wrong.It just wasn’t restful.
Then recently, a former WLLO friend texted me something that made my stomach drop a little:
“I have to ask: are you mad at me? Have I done something to offend you?”
Oh boy. This is where ghosting suddenly requires actual adult communication. She didn't get the whole message in my ghosting. So I answered honestly.
“I’m not mad at you at all. I think we just have very different personalities and I’ve realized I need to spend more time in situations and friendships that feel lighter for me. You really haven’t done anything wrong — we’re just different people. And maybe not the best fit socially.”
Her response absolutely broke my heart:
“I understand that I can be a downer and I am sorry that I am not a lighter and more upbeat personality. I am so sorry to hear that. I am not a good fit. And I grieve the situation that has developed.”
Oof. Now THAT is the hard part. Because most friendship endings don’t happen because someone is evil. They happen because one person feels drained.
And both people are telling the truth.
At 74, I’ve become fiercely protective of my emotional bandwidth. I no longer believe every friendship must survive forever simply because it once mattered deeply.
- Some friendships develop in school.
- Some friendships are for raising children together.
- Some are for working years.
- Some are for surviving hard seasons.
- Some are simply for who we used to be.
And maybe maturity is realizing you can care about someone… while also knowing they are no longer your everyday person.
Still. Nobody warns you that choosing peace sometimes comes with grief attached. And honestly?
Breaking up is hard to do.
"I’ve become fiercely protective of my emotional bandwidth." That pretty much sums it up for me too. Luckily, for me, when someone drifts, or I drift, I've not had the uncomfortable exchange like you did... which, wow, that can be awkward, can't it? People fall off the Grid for whatever reasons they might have, I never require an explanation from them, sometimes they reconnect and it can be like no time has elapsed. But then, like you said, we aren't static, we all have Changes in how and who we are now... and sometimes... I just don't want to have relationships add 'extra' to a life that's already pretty 'extra' on enuf levels that I feel sometimes just "All Friended Up", as the Kids like to call it. *Smiles* Even meeting someone 'New', I'm hesitant now coz I don't know what it will require to invest in that Person. Most of my Lifelong Friends have either moved away now or passed away, so the Inner Circle shrunk considerably and I'm not exactly looking for Replacement People.
ReplyDeleteExactly. Protecting our emotional bandwidth. I just don't have the interest or energy these days. I love email friends, text friends and undistracted phone friends. We don't have to have a BIG inner circle ... like cities have beltways ... Beijing has 7!! Thanks for reading AND for commenting.
DeleteJust found your blog and this post resonated with me . My life change irrevocably when my husband died in 2023 . Friends drifted after this-
ReplyDeleteone told me that I needed to “move on and have fun “. We are no longer in touch
I made an error in judgement and invited another blogger to visit me - we messaged often and there was a connection as we were widowed within three months of each other . Big mistake . Huge . Other than being widows we had
little in common, no common interests and she stayed for almost a
month . I did tell her that I didn’t feel the friendship
that she talked about was a friendship
- and asked that we part ways . It was not a happy ending . The fallout continues but I have recognised that I am no longer the woman I was - and that’s ok , how can I be after my husbands death , and I am allowed
to be who I am
S
Thanks for finding me! Send me your blog info?
ReplyDeleteBreaking up IS hard but so necessary for my sanity. SO MANY things changed when my buddy left ... We were married for 29 years ...