There’s no official protocol for deciding someone belongs in the “pleasant acquaintance” category instead of the “I should answer this text immediately” category.
Usually, I take the coward’s route. I slowly… drift. I stop responding quite so quickly. A text sits for a week before I answer. I suddenly become “busy.” I quit initiating lunches or coffee. Most people eventually get the hint.
At this age, friendships naturally shift anyway. Lives change. Energy changes. Tolerance changes. Honestly, sometimes patience changes.
Recently, someone from my WAY past resurfaced. She used to babysit Kate (who just turned 40 ... so you know this goes way back). We worked together once upon a time, and she lives almost an hour away. We were mainly social at work. She's younger and I was (am) a job hopper so we went our own ways.
Then last year came the phone call. You know the kind. “The voice from your past. Suddenly we were catching up on decades of life. Her daughter ... slightly older than Kate ... now has EIGHT children, so there was certainly plenty of material. For her. A few months later she came to Lake Oswego and we had lunch.
But I slowly realized something important:
Some friendships leave you feeling lighter. Others leave you feeling… tired.
And it’s nobody’s fault.
She is one of those people who can only talk while doing six other things simultaneously. Walking and yelling at the dog. Supervising grandchildren at a park. Driving somewhere. Digging through a purse. Half listening while asking someone if they need a snack.
Meanwhile, I’m sitting quietly at my table with my coffee, thinking: “Should I just hang up and call back when civilization returns?”
It wasn’t wrong.It just wasn’t restful.
Then recently, a former WLLO friend texted me something that made my stomach drop a little:
“I have to ask: are you mad at me? Have I done something to offend you?”
Oh boy. This is where ghosting suddenly requires actual adult communication. She didn't get the whole message in my ghosting. So I answered honestly.
“I’m not mad at you at all. I think we just have very different personalities and I’ve realized I need to spend more time in situations and friendships that feel lighter for me. You really haven’t done anything wrong — we’re just different people. And maybe not the best fit socially.”
Her response absolutely broke my heart:
“I understand that I can be a downer and I am sorry that I am not a lighter and more upbeat personality. I am so sorry to hear that. I am not a good fit. And I grieve the situation that has developed.”
Oof. Now THAT is the hard part. Because most friendship endings don’t happen because someone is evil. They happen because one person feels drained.
And both people are telling the truth.
At 74, I’ve become fiercely protective of my emotional bandwidth. I no longer believe every friendship must survive forever simply because it once mattered deeply.
- Some friendships develop in school.
- Some friendships are for raising children together.
- Some are for working years.
- Some are for surviving hard seasons.
- Some are simply for who we used to be.
And maybe maturity is realizing you can care about someone… while also knowing they are no longer your everyday person.
Still. Nobody warns you that choosing peace sometimes comes with grief attached. And honestly?
Breaking up is hard to do.
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